How self-awareness could keep you stuck

Hello friend,

How many times have you heard the phrase, “Awareness is the first step to change”?

It makes sense, right? How can you change if you are not even aware of it in the first place?

Say, for example, you find yourself reaching out for a cigarette when you are stressed. Or an occasional drink because you are tired and you deserve it. Or you are lonely and you keep going out with people who are wrong for you.

You know the pattern, right?

You cannot help it. The occasional becomes regular in no time.

You become aware of it. You realize it is doing you harm in the long term.

So, you take the right steps.

You exercise your willpower. You quit. Maybe you even go for therapy if it is serious, more compulsive behavior.

You start to replace the “bad” actions with “good” actions.

Now, you opt for a quick walk in the fresh air when you are stressed. Or you choose to journal or meditate at the end of your day. You decide to heal yourself first instead of another “situationship” situation.

Many people do strike this perfect combination of awareness and action.

But, some continue to struggle.

In fact, it can become a project in itself. Some days you do well. You pat your back that you managed to conquer your will. The other days you give up to the temptation.

It becomes a cycle of resistance, temptation, guilt, action, relapse, and constant judgment.

You are aware, yes.

But, this self-awareness takes you nowhere. You stay stuck, almost helpless, perpetuating a seemingly never-ending cycle.

It becomes frequently accompanied by a heavy sense of regret about what might have been.

Why don’t you change despite self-awareness?

I feel the answer lies in how you relate to that awareness. It is like going one level deeper into your awareness.

Most of us experience self-awareness accompanied by judgment.

That little voice in your head—the one that divides everything into “good” and “bad”—is constantly active. This inner critic, the “manager in your head” makes it almost impossible to change because it adds layers of shame and guilt to the very behavior you’re trying to overcome.

Every time you falter, it criticizes you for failing.

“I’m doing it again. I’m so weak.”

This pattern of judgment does not lead to progress—it only deepens the cycle reinforcing the same behavior you’re trying to change.

In fact, it even worsens it as the shame starts running the show now.

This is because the very behaviors we’re trying to change often start as a coping mechanism for something deeper—stress, emotional pain, or trauma. The more you judge yourself for failing, the more you turn your attention from the core feeling that you once refused to feel because it was too much.

What do you do then?

Instead of labeling your behavior as “bad,” start observing it without judgment. When that familiar voice in your head says, “Here I go again,” notice it from a deeper awareness and presence.

Instead of fighting it or punishing yourself, ask: “What’s this behavior trying to tell me?”

Go one more level deeper, in fact.

Drop into your body and see how it feels like. Notice the urge, the tick to reach out to your familiar coping behaviour. See where does it lie in your body.

It won’t be easy. You will likely fail many times still but with decreasing intensity.

The inner manager won’t go away in the first attempt.

But, don’t give up. Look beyond that voice and be aware of the presence that is even aware of the manager. It sounds meta but it is not.

The more you become aware of that non-judgemental presence, the closer you get to your kind, loving true self.

Practicing this deeper, compassionate awareness allows you to move beyond self-criticism and opens up space for real transformation. It’s about recognizing that the part of you that’s stuck in old habits is not your enemy—it’s a part of you that’s been hurt and is trying to cope in the only way it knows how.

You begin to validate it instead of pushing it away.

When you meet yourself with understanding, you give yourself the space to heal.

Next time you catch yourself in a familiar pattern, try this simple practice: instead of reacting with guilt or shame, take a deep breath and offer yourself compassion.

Ask, “What am I trying to escape from right now? Where do I feel it in my body? Can I be there with it for a few seconds or a few minutes? How do I feel? How can I support myself differently?”

Maybe you’ll reach for a cup of tea instead of that cigarette. Maybe you’ll go for a walk instead of scrolling mindlessly on your phone.

These small shifts in response—born out of kindness rather than control and judgement—are what lead to lasting change.

Maybe you will even repeat the same pattern. It is okay.

Notice the voice of the manager that makes you beat yourself up or feel guilty for again repeating the cycle. Give the manager kindness and grace from your deeper true self and recognize its attempts to protect you.

Come back to that non-judgmental, compassionate presence. And take the next smallest intentional step.

The work to transform the harsh, judgmental self-awareness into a kind and present awareness takes time.

But, I have begun to genuinely feel that it holds the key to lasting change.

What do you think?

Until next time,
Love,
Ved