Wall, avoidant attachment, you find what you look for
“It looked like there’s a wall that you want to build. Behind which you are just hiding your emotions and wishes. Like what you want in reality is something you are scared of.”
I felt a strange, sinking sensation within me as I read this message. It was as if I was caught naked in public.
Last Sunday, I went on a date after a long time.
Surprisingly, it was not the one where there were a lot of butterflies or overthinking. There were no awkward silences. The conversation flowed smoothly. We connected beyond the surface level.
Overall, it was an eventful evening.
The message was part of the honest exchange that followed after a couple of days of more chatting. We encouraged each other to share our first impressions of each other, be it positive or negative.
Her message reminded me of one of my old patterns.
It is the natural defense mechanism that comes into play when I am about to get close to anyone. It was not until I came across the idea of avoidant attachment that I became aware of the wall.
Since then, I have consciously tried to become more vulnerable and open with people with whom I want to develop a closer bond.
I have been trying to break that wall for some time now.
However, it was our first meeting and I was indeed hesitant to open up too much. But, I was surprised at the accuracy of her observation. Anyway, I did explain this to her and we had a good chat about each other’s strengths and shortcomings.
Later, she said towards the end of that chat,
“I just hope we help each other be better at what we are struggling with. That’s what partnership is for.”
“Hmm, wow! Is she for real?”, I thought to myself.
In the past, I have ended up falling for people who somehow appeared cold. Or seemed to run away the more I tried to chase them. It was as if my avoidant pattern manifested in the people I usually ended up finding.
Over the past few months, I have warmed up to the idea of embracing my emotions and expressing my vulnerability.
I might not have been fully successful but the intent is there. I want to be with people who can do the same.
Perhaps, that’s why now I have started to come across people who reflect the same behavior.
This reminds me of this small piece I read a few months ago.
1. Article of the Day: You Find What You Look For
“The world is a mirror of your expectations. You find what you look for. If you look for flaws, you define the world narrowly. Everything is antagonistic.”
The author of this Substack captures the essence of the “law of attraction” without sounding too mystical or new-agey.
The writing is fresh, practical, and rooted in her experiences. That is what I love about this piece!
And since we touched on the topic, another thing I want to share this week is this thread on avoidant attachment patterns.
2. Tweets of the Week- Avoidant Attachment
This one is by Dr. Nicole LePera who explains why we can be avoidant in relationships.
She explains the reason, what it looks like, and what can you do to be open about this pattern (Spoiler alert: The answer lies in learning to practice vulnerability.)
When we push the people we love away, we’re trying to protect ourselves.
Why We Can Be Avoidant In Relationships:— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) June 23, 2023
Here is another tweet thread by her where she explains the signs of the avoidant attachment pattern in detail.
I resonate with almost each of them but have become better with time in overcoming a few.
-feel stressed when spending too much time together
-fear commitment
-view their partner as “too needy” or “smothering”
-have issues expressing emotions
-avoid uncomfortable conversations through deflection
Many people have avoidant attachment patterns.
They feel easily feel smothered and develop a ‘lone wolf’ mentality.
Signs of avoidant attachment:— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) July 24, 2023
That is all from me this week, folks!
Until next time,
Love,
Vishal
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