The Truth Is…..
It was the day before yesterday, just around midnight.
I had been lying on the bed for 4 hours then. I was half asleep, half awake. My whole body felt stiff and heavy as if trying to resist even the tiniest of movements. It was as if I was watching life pass by with no energy to move within me.
I felt paralyzed by fear, insecurity, overwhelm, and anxiety about my past, present, and future simultaneously. It is the kind of state that can sometimes make any simple act of even getting up to turn off the light really difficult.
Despite my resistance to acknowledging it, the truth was staring right into my face.
The truth is I am struggling right now.
I have felt this before- the hopeless, debilitating feeling of nothingness.
That was 4 years ago when I had just made a new start in a new city with a new job. Everything seemed to be going right when out of nowhere I experienced these paralyzing thoughts.
It is like a black hole of despair that completely sucks the spirit and makes you wonder what is the point of all of it. No matter how hard you try, it feels impossible to get that inner drive and energy to do things that you must do. It is then accompanied by feelings of guilt around laziness.
At that time, I did not have the awareness about mental health I have today. It had taken me almost 2 months before I visited a therapist.
Hopefully, it’d be sooner this time.
The truth is it was not easy then. It is not easy now.
Maybe it is going to be tougher this time. Maybe it is just a short-term phase. I don’t really know how I am going to get out of it this time.
Because the truth is that at present, I seem to have lost all the motivation and drive I had even 10 days ago.
And given the new self-employed situation, it certainly feels more concerning. The stakes are higher. There is no guarantee of monthly salary anymore. The savings might dry out sooner or later. And what not!
The truth is amidst all this, I am still somewhere hopeful.
All I seek is a little courage.
And not missing this week’s edition is a small result of that pursuit.
Until next time