Reflections from a heartbreak
Last Friday, I had possibly the best date of my life.
We clicked on nearly every level. We had a great conversation about our lives, dreams, and aspirations. We worked in a similar profession. There were periods of comfortable silence where we just looked into each other’s eyes holding hands. She was even an SRK fan and that was the final sign I could have needed. She was highly likely to be ‘the one’.
Of course, I did not express it directly to her. I also had a cautious inner voice that said, “You are getting way ahead of yourself, stupid!”
But, somewhere I knew she felt the same as I did for her.
We had spent nearly 5 hours sitting at one place that felt like only a few minutes. This doesn’t happen every day.
We both were sure that we had entered a new timeline in the multiverse by deciding to meet in person after just 2 days of getting matched on an app. We agreed to meet again as there was so much more to talk about.
However, nothing like that happened.
The chat went lifeless and cold, with barely any response from her the next day.
One day later, she unmatched me without saying anything.
I was aghast. It knocked me down. I was left breathless and sobbing for good 20 minutes. The emotional reaction surprised me. I was never the person who would feel something so strongly for anyone within a day of meeting them. I don’t fall for people easily.
But, that was different.
It felt like that encounter opened my heart to love and joy, only to kick it and shut it down brutally.
The worst part was that it once again brought my ugly fears and insecurities to the forefront.
Once again, I felt I was not good-looking enough. I was sure there could not be any other reason. There was no match in terms of physical attractiveness irrespective of the mental connection. I blamed myself for expecting too much just after the first meeting. I thought it is best if I stay away from the world of dating and relationships. I once again believed that nobody would accept and love the real me.
Of course, none of them is true. That was my default ego response.
With the help of a few kind friends (you know who you are and I am grateful to you!), I was able to see a different perspective.
It was not about me.
I took things extremely personally. There could have been multiple reasons why that happened. There was no point in assuming things. Whatever people do rarely have anything to do with you.
Yes, I wish that she had communicated instead of abruptly ending things. I’d have preferred a clear rejection instead of the sudden disappearance.
But again, it was her choice and it had nothing to do with me.
Of course, it is easy to say and write this now. It’s not immediately clear when you are amidst a powerful avalanche of emotions.
In retrospect, I could have turned down my imagination and expectations a bit.
But I also think that everything I felt was 110% genuine. There was no exaggeration involved.
My logical mind might say otherwise, but I know that feelings don’t lie.
I am glad I was able to feel the full range of emotions, both positive and negative. But, I was attached. First, to the positive feelings when I returned home from our date. Later, my attachment to negative feelings about myself surfaced after the heartbreak.
Only when I became aware of this whole spectrum of feelings and realized they had nothing to do with me (aka ego), I could let go and begin to feel okay about it.
And I think this is the real purpose of heartbreaks.
They are meant to
break open your heart when you don’t get attached to one specific feeling.
Most of the time, we tend to shut down after a heartbreak.
We vow never to get too involved with anyone again. We think that the lovey-dovey feelings aren’t worth the pain. We are too attached to those feelings. We are also too attached to our pain. We don’t want to feel the pain of rejection and hurt.
In our attempt to escape pain and fear of getting hurt, we close the doors of our hearts.
But, pain exists only because there is love. When we close our hearts to avoid pain, we also close our hearts to love.
An open heart means the willingness to experience life in all its glory without getting attached to anything. The thrill of meeting someone new. The magic of first dates. The excitement to know each other’s favorite movies, books, and weird quirks. The pain of heartbreaks. The fear of your insecurities that eat away your self-belief. The tears of rejection.
None of these feelings last. They are real but also fleeting.
I don’t have to relive them on a loop and make myself suffer. I don’t have to get attached to any of them.
I can witness them, letting them exist in the moment without judgment, craving, or aversion. I can learn to open my heart further instead of shutting it down. I can learn to love myself despite rejection and hurt.
So, when the right person arrives, I can love freely without attachment or fear.
Each heartbreak becomes a stepping stone to reach the temple of love.
What do you think about heartbreaks?
How do you deal with them?
Hit reply and let me know! 🙂
Until next time,