Not good-looking enough

One thing that scares me the most is looking into the camera.

Since childhood, I have never liked my pictures.

Sometimes it was because I have always looked older than my real age. Sometimes it was because I have always been overweight as a kid. Some people have also told me these things to me in person. And I hated that.

Funnily enough, sometimes when I look at a picture from 4-5 years back, I love it even though I had hated it in the past. In retrospect, I usually end up liking my old pictures better than how I look now.

Maybe it is just the effect of growing old.

But I feel it is just a story I have become used to telling myself. It has led to strong negative self-belief and body image issues.

Many people have genuinely told me that I look good. And I have always found it difficult to accept that because of my belief.

On the surface, it doesn’t sound like a huge deal. It doesn’t really matter in the larger scheme of things if I look good or not. It feels like a narcissistic issue at the best.

But there is an area where I have felt that the story doesn’t serve a bigger purpose.

It is ironic that I fear cameras/don’t like my pictures when I consider that one of my craziest dreams has been to act in movies. I hate the spotlight but also want to live and express different characters through myself in front of the camera.

It is a tricky conundrum.

In the past, I have also self-justified this dream as a way to fight my fear of the camera. I used to think that the fact that I fear the camera is a sign that I should face that fear to live my biggest dream.

I recently took a small step toward that dream but it was purely experimental. I am not sure yet if I want to pursue it for at least the next 5-10 years.

But I do need to change this story to give it my best shot and defeat the fear in the process.

I need to find a way to reframe the narrative from “I don’t look good in front of the camera” to “I look amazing in front of the camera. The camera absolutely loves me. “

I don’t know yet how to do that.

But I hope bringing this to my awareness and writing it down in public would help in some way.


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